Margaret Aghaeepour, PsyD
You or Your Partner No Longer Like Sex? Here’re Some Top Reasons Why
Did you use to have great sex with your partner, and now it just becomes a chore? Did you two use to be crazy about each other, but now can’t wait to get some alone time? Don’t get me wrong. Alone time is amazing, and scheduling sex can be amazing too. But something is missing. Something has been slowly slipping away as you spend more time with each other, get married, have children, and many are happening in life. Sex is no longer fun, or even if it is, it is just such a hassle to make it happen. Just sweep it under the rug, much easier than initiating it and getting turned down possibly, right? So, what are some top reasons couples don’t have great sex anymore?
Living and working in the bay area is quite stressful itself. Everything seems so possible but yet there’s a hustle culture, the American dream, the “things can always get better if I work harder and longer hours” mentality. I respect that. But our body is very honest. If you’re stressing about work until 10 or 11pm, your body probably craves sleep or alone time rather than sex. Figuring that work/life balance can really help improve your sex life.
2. Partner Problems
Sex can be quite an intimate experience for many, especially for women. If there’s any fallout from fights, poor communication, feeling betrayed, or other trust issues, that could really damage the intimacy. If you two cannot agree on who should do the dishes (or honor that agreement), it can be quite hard to agree on what sex positions feel best.
A drink may make you feel more open and less anxious. But as a depressant, alcohol shuts down your body and numbs your sex drive. You might find it hard to get it up after a few drinks, many do.
4. Too Little Sleep
As one of your basic body functioning, sleep and diet can really affect your sex drive. Think about it, if you’re so tired and sleepy, how can you enjoy sex? You probably want to “get it done” fast and get to bed. Hierarchy of needs.
5. Having Kids
Let me make this one very clear. Having kids or being parents itself does not make you you’re your sex drive. But if you have transitioned your identity from being a lover, partner, or even yourself to solely being a parent, it’s hard to get sexy with that identity alone. If you’re a new mom, the oxytocin that help you bond with your baby will actually kill your sex drive. Mother nature wants you to make sure to bond and feed the tiny human before making more right away. That’s why breastfeeding can be used as a birth control if it is done in a certain way.
There are a few of medication that can affect your libido. Here’re some to start:
•Blood pressure medications
•Birth control pills (some studies show a link; others
If you’re on any of these medications now, do not just stop or reduce dosage on your own, you’re taking them for a reason. Consult with your doctor to see if there’s an alternative, and monitor how the new meds are affecting your sex drive.
7. Poor Body Image
This one is huge. When we are seeing all those photoshopped body from social media, it can be hard to honor and love our body the way it is. If you don’t find yourself sexy, it can be quite hard to believe it when your partner tells you so. So, it’s probably easier to bag it up or just avoid getting naked with each other, right? Not right! Your body, your choice, you get a say in how you feel in your body. Not the social media, definitely not your partner. Unless there’s a health concern involved, obesity and under-weight can actually affect your hormone level which can affect your sex drive.
8. Erection Problems
Men with ED (erectile dysfunction) often worry about how sexual performance. They usually worry whether their partner will judge them, or ED makes them look less manly. While ED can be treated via some stamina trainer, many couples also work with a sex therapist to explore other forms of sexual pleasure.
9. Low T
The "T" hormone, testosterone, affects our sex drive. As men age, their T levels may drop quite significantly. Not all lose the desire for sex as this happens, but some do.
Depression symptoms involves anhedonia and loss of pleasure for things you used to enjoy, including sex. The lack of balance in dopamine and serotonin can really affect the pleasurable feelings you get from sex.
For many women, the symptoms of menopause, such as vaginal dryness, can make sex painful. Your body is going through a lot of hormonal change during menopause. Many women also feel like they’re losing their femininity with the loss of their period.
Is this it? Of course not, sexual problems are a lot more complex. Some couples might only
have one of the reasons above, some might have multiple plus a bit extra. Here're just some conversation starters so that we are not shining away from talking about sex. If it's hard to talk about it between the two of you, consider seeing a sex therapist. There's talk, there's hope.